It Starts With An Earthquake

According to the Mayan calendar, the clock is ticking and I have until December 21, 2012 to complete my bucket list. I’ve stopped collecting cans, started preparing for the end of the world, and have surrendered to the inevitable, impending doom preparing to gash this world’s Titanic.

Since, I have no intentions of being a hero (remember what happened to Jack Dawson), I might as well have some fun living the American dream and completing my bucket list while everyone else is freezing their organic milk and stocking up on MRE’s.

1. Sit with President Clinton’s jazz band.

I was filtering through my list and found an easy starter: sit-in with President Clinton’s jazz band, the Three Kings. The legendary jazz trio claims they ”swing pretty hard with some cool jazz” and have been rocking high school auditoriums for years.

2. Break-up with Adele to inspire a new record.

The inspiration of Adele’s latest album, 21, followed a recent break-up. I doubt she can emotionally handle another, but the world is anxiously awaiting her next album. I’m going to set fire to the rain by breaking up with Adele. With only three weeks to inspire, write, and record, I’ve got to be smooth. #RileyStyle. Be on the lookout for Adele’s newest record, 24, to drop sometime before D-Day.

3. Teach an Indian Ringneck Parakeet to sing “Indian Outlaw” by Tim McGraw.

With my bewildered sense of humor, this would easily gain a few million hits and kill on YouTube. Why not make an easy buck?

4. Step in for a wasted Eddie Vedder to sing Yellow Ledbetter at a Pearl Jam concert.

My music taste varies, but I never get tired of grunge. It was a brief time in the history of music but unforgettable, to say the least. Pearl Jam has been labeled as “the most popular American Rock’n'Roll band of the ’90′s” (as mentioned in their documentary). There would be no greater accomplishment than to take the lead on stage while EMTs are working to pump the stomach of a rock legend. After my many years of impersonating Christian Bale as Batman, trying to emulate Eddie’s guttural noises should be a piece of cake.

5. Ask Bill Paxton for his belt and survive a Twister.

Bill Paxton is the only person in the world whose belt has a bigger following than the actual wearer. This isn’t technically tornado season, but it’s worth the adventure. Oklahoma, here I come! By the way, I’m more of a Jami Gertz kind of guy.

6. Eat Goldmouth’s cornbread.

I’m no “Can’t Get Right”, but I will sure perform any ludicrous act at the chance for copious amounts of cornbread. And yes Goldmouth, even if that means eating all of yours.

7. Finger-gun with Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood is my favorite director, spaghetti Western star and political analyst. Not many people on this planet can make a ghost chair go viral on social media. Every time he shoots a gun, he hits his target. Let’s not forget his unbelievable role in “Gran Torino”. Clint Eastwood, a man older than the dirt under Moses’ fingernails, does not let his age affect the “Sudden Impact” of his memorable quotes. “Get off my lawn” became his signature phrase to the Millennials, and we are still talking about it. Finger-gunning with the old guy would “make my day.” After he kicked me off his lawn, that is.

This list does appear to be quite a feat to finish in less than a month, but if Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson can travel to Hong Kong and hire a “street professional,” then I should be able to cross off most of this list.